The Defense Against Dark Arts teacher from Hell
by Mike8725
Summary: COMPLETE! See what happens when Dumbledore hired a crazed lunatic as the D.A.D.A. teacher.... some crude humor this story is NOT made to offend ANYONE!
1. The DADA teacher's obsession

Harry was walking down the corridor on his way to the Defense Against the Dark Arts class. Last year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Professor Umbrige was removed of the position since she tried to violently take over and overpower all of Hogwarts school. Harry wondered who his new teacher would be. Maybe Dumbledore finally hired someone civilized. Then again, it wouldn't be Defense Against the Dark Arts if it was civil. Where's the fun in that!?  
  
As Harry entered the class he noticed a short lady wit black hair and a huge ass. He told himself, "maybe she's not as bad as she looks." He then took his usual seat in the class, next to Ron and behind Hermione. Hermione looked overly content with the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher but Harry on the other hand didn't really know what to think.  
  
When class began the professor introduced herself as Professor Laponi. She explained to them how she was fired from her other job in some distant school when the students found out that she was half senile and had the "fifth" sense.  
  
"Class! Lets start by taking attendance." She hollered. But the class just kept on talking.  
  
"Class I'm taLKIng!" She screamed even louder as the tone of her voice kept on going up and down. She then pulled out her magic wand and cast a spell.  
  
"Crescendo Whistleo!" Just then a whistle appeared. She took it as if it was her last resort and blew the whistle as loud as her lungs could blow. Holding in laughs the class finally stopped talking.  
  
"That's better!" she said. She then began to read the names on the class list.  
  
"Ermyoni" she read.  
  
"Professor, its Her-mi-on-e!" said Ron.  
  
"Excuse me mister, but if Ermyoni wanted her name corrected she would have said it herself!" Said Professor Laponi.  
  
Hermione then interrupted, "Ummm. Its Herm..."  
  
"SILENCE!! No talking while I take the attendances!" Professor Laponi screamed. "Now back to the attendances, T-t-tess Pipponi!? OH MY HECK! I know her!!!" Professor Laponi was holding back tears. "She was my model student back in my old school!!"  
  
In the back of the class a blonde haired girl was hiding her face underneath her books. She wondered to herself what mortal sin she had committed in her other life to be stuck in that class! Tess Pipponi than with a sarcastic enthusiasm said, "Hi Professor!"  
  
"Class you see Tess Pipponi was my old English student! She was the best in the class" Professor Laponi sighed. "If only you were all like her!" Then she began to worship Tess.  
  
A while later she finally went back to her attendance list.  
  
"Now where was I?" Professor Laponi asked. "Oh yes! Harry Ptotter!?"  
  
"Present!" replied Harry.  
  
She then continued the attendance list right down to "Ron Wheezly."  
  
Professor Laponi then began to talk once again. Hermione's enthusiasm turned into trauma and Harry hoped it would be all a dream... but it wasn't it was really happening.  
  
"First we're going to do vocab! Not vocabulary... its called vocab!! One word a day and then I'll be testing you. Now today's word is Hippogriff. Can anyone use it in context?!"  
  
Hermione raised her hand.  
  
"Ya you! The one in front of that guy with the physical deformity on his forehead!" she said.  
  
"Yes, a Hippogriff is a lion-eagle." Hermione said. "The hippogriff's claws caught the fish as he soared about the river."  
  
"Very good! Now I'll just change it a bit." Said Professor Laponi.  
  
She then wrote on the chalkboard The half eagle half lion also known as a hippogriff ran in the forest until he found a comrade.  
  
"Umm that's not what I said!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
"Class! What is this nonsense! You are IB wizards! You are supposed to behave!" said Professor Laponi.  
  
She then spent 20 minutes lecturing the class about being role model students and comparing them all to the "excellence" of Tess Pipponi.  
  
She finally ended up handing out their hardcover textbooks which had the words "magic power" written on them. There were also 3 uneven holes which looked like they were chiseled.  
  
"I hole punched them myself!" she proudly exclaimed. "Now for homework, I don't want to give you to much work, just do until page 29."  
  
Harry then asked, "When is this homework due!?"  
  
"Next class!" she snapped in. "However I'm not checking it because I believe in the honesty policy."  
  
"Also write a 3 scroll persuasive essay to persuade me on how Tess Pipponi is even more of a role model student." She said "And if I don't get persuaded you will be penalized!!"  
  
Tess Pipponi raised her hand. "Professor, what do I write about!?"  
  
"Oh! You don't need to write about anything. Just write your name and I'll give you a reasonable mark!"  
  
Just then the clock struck 10 which meant that it was the end of class! What a day. Harry thought that he was going to once again fail Defense Against the Dark Arts because once again Dumbledore hired a total crazed lunatic. Perhaps things would get better.... Hermione on the other hand left class crying and saying how her whole future would be ruined. 


	2. Laponi's Crisis

After another sleepless night, Harry's first class of the day was Defense Against the Dark Arts. He now dreaded this class as much as he dreaded Potions. He tried to poison Professor Laponi's coffee one day but it turns out she wasn't thirsty and now Madam Hooch was in the hospital wing with food poisoning.  
  
Hermione was just as miserable. She went to Hagrid to beg him for some sort of violent plant to give Professor Laponi as a "present." The next day she wore the plant to school as a necklace... turns out she killed it before it even had a chance. Hermione also received several detentions for lack of persuasion and "signs of plagiarism."  
  
Also in class they had read the books, the Catcher of the Rye, 5 days of the Ghost and Tess Pipponi: The life and Times. Harry also had to write many things. However his stories usually were returned with red marks and scribbles all over them saying "TRANSITIONS" and "COMMA SPLICE". She then gave him a 20% for lack of effort. He went to see her telling her that he had spent the whole night writing it but she didn't open the class door.  
  
Today was Tess Pipponi day. Professor Laponi insisted that everyone had to bring in one thing that belonged to Tess. Tess on the other hand was in a state of confusion because she wanted all the attention to stop. Professor Laponi however insisted that Cluster 2 should be dedicated to Tess Pipponi and the cult that she created.  
  
While Hermione was presenting Tess' chewed up pencil to the class, Mr. Pkark came in. He was the Defense against Lucifer Incarnates teacher. Since he never had a class he usually walked around the many corridors of Hogwarts. On that day, Mr. Pkark entered the classroom asking Professor Laponi if he could teach the class. She violently answered no but he did anyways.  
  
Harry noticed the rage in Professor Laponi's eyes as Mr. Pkark started to take all of her stuff and use it to teach. He also made fun of her awkward hole punched Magic Power copybooks. A fire sparked in her eyes and at that moment professor Laponi cast a whistle spell which surprisingly turned Mr Pkark into a snail. As the gasps wore off, Professor Laponi said, "That reminds me, today's vocab word is slug"  
  
She then scribbled the number 1345 and wrote slug next to it. She asked if anyone could use it in context, but no one raised their hands. Professor Laponi looked confused. She then said "Avada Dictionario" And a dictionary finally appeared. She called upon Tess Pipponi to come up to the front of the class...... but something was different on this day, because Tess Pipponi never answered. Between gasps and Professor Laponi's dramatic cries, Harry sat in his place grinning from ear to ear had worked. He knew that someone kidnapped Tess Pipponi and there was a God. This would send Professor Laponi into an emotional crisis.  
  
Professor Laponi was screaming and crying and in hysterics.  
  
"I can't live anymore without Tess!! My model student...." She cried even more. "She was too good for this world." Professor Laponi went in front of the mirror and performed the Avada Kadavera spell. But the mirror broke, so she jumped out the window.  
  
Just then Tess Pipponi returned from the washroom. 


	3. The Wrath of Laponi

A month had nearly passed since Professor Laponi jumped out the window of class after the disappearance of Tess Pipponi. Tess Pipponi, in ecstasy had a party in her dormitory. Everyone was rather content with the sudden passing of Professor Laponi. They no longer needed to carry around 200 pages of 'vocab' words and their eardrums finally were no longer buzzing because no one was around to blow any whistles.  
  
However the replacement teacher, whose name was Professor Tipio wasn't the best defense against the dark arts teacher. If the class would ever have to defend themselves against evil they would probably loose no doubt about it. Mr Tipio didn't teach anything relevant or even close to dark arts. He was a retired wizard who "sacrificed his retirement" to "spread his knowledge". Most of the classes consisted of 75 minute long lectures on things such as his life from before the students were born to how he sacrifices his lunchtimes for the students. He also abused the students mostly Tess Pipponi. That poor Tess! One day Professor Tipio was like, "HEY PEP!" and he hit her in the head. The reason for his actions, no one knows!  
  
As opposed to Professor Laponi, when he got angry he used to bang desks and throw them around class. One day he hit Cho Chang right in the face. When the nurse came he started screaming at her and took it as an insult because no one liked the way he was doing his job. He never used to assign homework. One day during a lecture about not going into the forbidden forest, Harry asked him if he had ever seen a unicorn and professor Tipio gave him a speech on how no one appreciates a good teacher anymore. Then he lectured the class.  
  
"When I was your age.." he said, "I was 16!"  
  
Then Mr. Tipio pulled out a bag of carrots and began to eat. "My name is Professor Tipio, I like to eat carrots for lunch!" He said.  
  
As the class burst into laughs and another desk flew across the class Hermione started crying. Mr Tipio stopped his rampaged lecture. Since in his 45 years of teaching he had never seen anything like this before he asked her what was wrong.  
  
"I'm going to fail this class!!" Hermione said, "This is Defense Against Dark Arts not the Life story channel! What is wrong with teachers these days!!!!!!"  
  
Mr Tipeo looked outraged. "You know what, we're going to have a project. We have to make a book..."  
  
75 minutes passed.  
  
"...and that is about all you need to know about this project. Any questions?" His lecture was finally over. Who in their right mind would ask a question except well.. TESS PIPPONI!  
  
"... ummmm... when is it due?" She asked.  
  
"What'd you mean when its due!! It's due when you finish it, but if its not finished you get a zero!" He said.  
  
Tess then rolled her eyes.  
  
"Pep! Don't roll your eyes at me!!! That's it!" Professor Tipio then took out his wand. "Eyeo Stop Rollio!" He cast.  
  
Tess Pipponi's eyes immediately went back to their normal position. Just then the bell was rung.  
  
"Wait!! That bell isn't any important!!!! For next class, everyone must write a family story to share with the class for the book that we are going to be making!" Said Professor Tipio.  
  
Then the class left.  
  
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
The next day, everyone came in with a story written.  
  
Professor Tipio then asked the class to share their stories. Hermione, like usual volunteered.  
  
"Well my story is about my muggle grandmother who was killed during the war in 1942." She said.  
  
"Yes, yes. Interesting..." said Professor Tipio. "In my days, I was recruited for the first World War AND the second one. I liberated all the prisoners and it was me who stopped the war. They should make me a saint for my troubles!"  
  
"Wow! That's very interesting professor. Can you tell us some more war stories?" Asked Hermione trying to suck up and saving the class, who hadn't written any stories.  
  
"Well when I was fighting in Timbucktoo, I had a friend of mine who was sharing his tent with me. But then one day a sniper shot him as he was walking back to the tent. He didn't die right away....Just as he began to crawl towards my tent, all of a sudden.."  
  
The class then began to scream. Professor Tipio didn't understand why. Just then he turned around and saw.. PROFESSOR LAPONI!!!!!  
  
The class was running around in circles and screaming hysterically. Tess Pipponi hid under her desk because she was so scared.  
  
Professor Laponi then jumped through the window and landed in the class. People were fainting all over the room. Professor Laponi was dead! This couldn't be happening! Hermione started to have a convulsion and Harry Potter tried to run away but he smacked his face on a desk and fainted too.  
  
Professor Tipio started to talk in Italian. "Oh Jesu Madonne!! Che Guai!!! Adesso Me Moro!" And with that he passed out.  
  
Now Professor Laponi, standing in front of this huge commotion was wondering what was going on. She pulled out her whistle and blew it. The only ones who heard it were whatever was left of the frantic and conscious ones.  
  
"Class what is all this nonsense!!" said Professor Laponi. "Is this what happens when I'm gone! With the replacement teacher you must act just as if I was there. Where are your manners!! EVERYONE GET UP!!"  
  
Everyone remained half unconscious on the floor. Professor Tipio woke up.  
  
"Why hello professor. Looks like you're back. How was you're umm.. death?" asked Professor Tipio.  
  
"Well when I jumped out the window I landed on one of those rose shrubs. I rolled off the rose shrub with only a few scrapes and bruises. Then all of a sudden an army of Oompa Loompas came and kidnapped me. I reached for my wand but the only spell that I knew was the 'Crescendo Whistleo' incantation. In the book that I purchased before school began, Magic spells for dummies, that was the only spell that I thought I would need." Said Professor Laponi. "Well anyways, the Oompa Loompas took me to their leader, also known as Sara. She was horribly evil and didn't know what to do with me so she threw me into a flaming pit. In that pit, I had many hallucinations mostly of Tess Pipponi coming and rescue me. But she never came..."  
  
She then began to sob hysterically. After she regained her composure, she continued.  
  
"A week had passed and I was still in the pit. I tried to remain civil for the good of the class but it was quite hard because of all the ruckus going on outside. I used the dirt to make a Tess Pipponi doll. That encouraged me to keep trying to escape. Everyday for the next two weeks I rammed the walls of the pit with my huge rear end. Thank god I watched all those Richard Simmons videos. One day the walls finally gave way and I was free. Upon escaping I was in some land ruled by some Wonka guy. I asked for directions and walked 5000 miles back to Hogwarts so that I could see Tess Pipponi again. One at Hogwarts I climbed up the wall and back into my class. That's when I noticed all that ruckus. But I'm here now!" She concluded her story.  
  
By this time everyone in class had regained consciousness. They kind of felt bad for Professor Laponi. Then they all went back to their seats.  
  
"I see how it is!" cried Professor Tipio! "Goodbye everybody! I'll be back on Tuesday!!"  
  
"I'M BACK CLASS!!!! You don't have to miss me anymore!! I'll be here forever and ever! Aren't you all happy!?...." She paused. "Now class, seeing as to how I've been absent for so long, we have one months worth of vocab words to do. Let's start with the first word.." She then scribbled 35647 on the board and wrote the word 'misery' next to it. "Can anyone use it in context!?" 


End file.
